Cantrell's Chatterbox

Concert outside with friends

2011-04-29T10:52:00.001+09:00

Me and My Boys

2011-04-29T10:46:00.000+09:00

My Sister

2011-04-28T13:21:00.004+09:00

Just Us

2011-04-27T11:46:00.000+09:00

Favorites from Easter

2011-04-27T11:44:00.002+09:00

Rocco turns 5!!!

2011-04-27T11:30:00.000+09:00

Easter 2011

2011-04-27T11:26:00.001+09:00

September

2010-09-11T23:26:00.000+09:00

Another School Year

2010-09-11T23:23:00.000+09:00

Despedidas

2010-09-11T23:22:00.000+09:00

August Fun

2010-09-11T23:21:00.000+09:00

July Birthdays

2010-09-11T23:18:00.000+09:00

Visiting Oklahoma

2010-09-11T23:14:00.000+09:00

July Activities

2010-09-11T23:12:00.001+09:00

Summer Fun

2010-09-11T23:10:00.001+09:00

My Surprise Birthday Party

2010-06-01T07:59:00.000+09:00

Jaden's 1st grade graduation

2010-06-01T07:51:00.002+09:00

Spring Break in Oklahoma

2010-03-22T09:41:00.001+09:00

Miriam's B-day Party

2010-03-22T09:37:00.000+09:00

The Stance

2010-03-22T09:30:00.000+09:00

Flowing Feelings Fluttering around me
Like Soft Tickles of Butterfly Wings
I Close My Eyes and Feel the Air Blowing All Around Me
I Hold My Breath Waiting For it to Pass
No Longer Able to Hold it Anymore
I slowly Let it Out Again
I Don't Know If I Want To Open My Eyes Again
Or Keep Them Closed
So I Simply Hold My Breath Again
Afraid If I Move The Simplicity and Perfection
Of it Will Be Lost
Afraid If I Open My Eyes It Will All Disappear
But I Wonder....
How Long Can I Do This?
How Long Will I Be Able to Hold My Breath?

A revelation about myself

2010-01-13T03:17:00.001+09:00

Have you ever had one of those times in your life when you were just sitting on a couch quiet, and all of the sudden, your eyes were opened to something you never saw before? Last night, after talking to a dear friend, that happened to me.

You know New Years always gets me to thinking of what may lie ahead. Maybe because so much has happened (in such a short time) to me already. So, it is only normal to wonder what this year may bring. But, as I was giving myself my usual "talks" that I do when I get a little discouraged and overwhelmed; I realized something that I had never realized before.

I am a completely different women. I don't think I will ever grasp how different I am. I blogged before, probably about a year ago, on how I had lost myself completely and only wanted to get that Jennifer Redman back. At that time, I thought that would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. But, I was wrong. I never want that Jennifer Redman back, although her carefree cluelessness to life was pretty cool. But, God has brought me so far. I have had to learn many lessons the hard way but man have I changed. It is literally like night and day. The way I walk, the way I think, the confidence I have...is truly amazing!

All these sayings you hear all the time that usually annoy me like, "What doesn't break you will make you stronger" are actually true. Only with the help of God though. My positive change has only happened because of Him. How am I so certain of this? For the simple fact that I didn't even realize the change until just now. When I think about where I was and where I am now, I have no idea how I got here. Obviously, someone was planning my steps out in front of me and carrying me through some very tough times.

Of course, I am still the same in many ways. Genetics are a powerful thing. One thing I have never been able to stand are conceited people. Absolutely HATE it! There is a fine line between someone who is conceited and someone who is confident. And, I am confident. I walk with my head help high, shoulders back, ready to conquer the many challenges that lie before me. Why? Because I think I am all that....absolutely not! But, because when I think of what God has brought me through, I have no fear of my future. Nothing that Satan brings my way: no trials, no hurt, no testing can destroy me as long as I keep my eyes focused on the one who created me and allowed the things that have happened to me to happen. He never makes mistakes.

I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me and always trying to make EVERYONE else happy, all the time. It was exhausting. I have come to realize that I will NEVER EVER be able to make everyone happy. God certainly opened my eyes to that. I had so many genuine and loving people give their advice to me; telling me what they thought I should do concerning difficult choices I had to make for my future and the future of my sons. However, every person seemed to have a different twist on what they felt was right for me to do. That alone was exhausting. I had to learn to take my eyes off of pleasing others and put my eyes only on the one who gave me life. That has been rewarding! I never dreamed I would come to the place where I cared more about what God thought then what my fellow human companions thought. Sad but true. Now, I don't care about pleasing others. It doesn't even cross my mind. I always want to be respectful, but if someone is upset with me for a choice that I have made they can take that up with God. That is what I tell them. If someone sends me a letter chewing me out for actions they think I have done that are wrong, I will listen, and respectfully go on my way asking God to show me my errors if I am in the wrong. If I have offended I will not hesitate to ask forgiveness and change my ways. But, it has to be because God has opened up my eyes to something.

I have a confidence in knowing that God is on the throne and answers prayers, working miracles out every day to keep me on the path I need to take in order to make it to heaven some day. I know he cares. I have learned to put all my trust in a man. Something I never thought I would be able to do again. Even though it has not been easy and honestly has been the hardest thing for me to do, I have chosen to put all my trust in God. I do not know the future He has for me and my precious sons. I do not know what heartache or what blessings are just around the corned or lie ahead of me. What I do know is that His word is true. He will not allow anything come upon me that is too difficult for me to handle. He will not fail me!

I have a confidence in knowing that I am special. The word says that God will not allow Satan to tempt us beyond what we can bare. You have no idea how many times I have said to God, "Respectfully God, I think you have me confused with someone else because this pain is so deep, this hurts so much, my faith is so weak..that I honestly don't know if I will be able to make it through." But God asks me to trust Him, and when I finally let go of the bitterness and pain, I go from on my face buried deep in the ground to proclaiming His power over my life!!!!

Satan comes and tells me I am worthless. He reminds me of how I was not good enough and how I was thrown away, unwanted. He points out all the things I have lost. He reminds me of all the sweat, tears, and prayers I prayed for something that never worked out the way I wanted it to. Something that no matter how hard I tried to fix and make work, never could. Satan laughs at me when I cry from lonely nights of longing to have what many others take for granted. Just when I feel cold, alone, and small, I feel someone wrap their warm arms around me and hold me close. I immediately know it is the one who created me. It is a love like I have never experienced before. It is a pure love, the perfect love, and the love that many times only those who are scarred deeply experience. And, as I let the tears fall unashamedly from my eyes, he tells me how much he loves me. How beautiful I am. How special I am, and how proud he is of me for doing my best. When I feel ashamed for making stupid mistakes and falling into Satan's sly traps, He forgives me and reminds me that his love is never conditional. I close my eyes and drink in his sweet presence, willing myself never to forget these special moments. My eyes are heavy, not from the worries and sorrows of life, but because I am at peace and rest. I feel so loved and safe, like a child. I wake up the next morning to feel the sun shining in on my face, the birds chirping outside my window, and before I can open my rested eyes I feel cold feet on me leg and a little arm wrapped around my neck. I look into the faces of my two sleeping boys and all the love I could ever posses inside of me is poured out onto them. And, I am reminded of how much more we are loved by our Heavenly Father. I still feel His love, and as if he is smiling down on the three of us, like a proud Father.

The day begins so sweet and fresh and then the problems start piling up all over again. Reminders of how hard life can be are ever present before me. And my heart hurts again. But as I walk out my door and into the world I live in, I realize that people are staring at me. I had not noticed before because of all that was on my mind. I wonder what it is they see and why they stare at me. Then I smile to myself because I realize they are looking at me because of who they see inside me. They see a girl who has obvious wrinkles from the stresses of life, but who is calm. Eyes that have a pain in them from a deep hurt, yet eyes that are trusting. A girl walking with confidence and yet humility. A girl who's smile actually reaches the corners of her face and who seems genuine. A girl who is very imperfect outwardly but seems content and confident in herself. A girl who has an innocence that you don't see often at her age, because of the clean and wholesome life she has lived, despite her circumstances. But mainly, a glow about her. How can this girl be the way she is? I smile back wishing I could say to them, "Yes, last night the creator of this universe saw I was in pain, and came down to where I was; comforting me, whispering words of love to me and letting me know that He cares. Last night, I had an encounter with God, and He lives within me. That glow you see, is His love!"

Today I want to thank God for making me into the lady I am today. And I hope and pray, that by me writing this down, it will help me never to forget, that God seems me through and has much more good things in store for me!

Kemah

2010-01-13T01:30:00.001+09:00

Thanksgiving

2010-01-13T01:25:00.000+09:00

Christmas 2009

2010-01-13T01:20:00.002+09:00

Winter Season

2010-01-13T01:17:00.000+09:00

What kind of HSBC student are you? quiz on facebook...is this suppose to be funny?

2009-09-12T10:55:00.001+09:00

After a stressful day of college and testing I decided to come home and relax a little on facebook. Needless to say I was not able to relax after deciding to take this quiz especially after reading so many comments on how funny this quiz was. Like I said earlier, call me crazy if you want (or any other name for that matter) but I simply cannot see the humor in it.

If you took this quiz you might be a SURVIVOR, REBEL, LIFER, OSTRICH or FAITHFUL-HSBC'er. There could be more but after much searching, these are the only results I could find. I do not know who wrote this quiz and honestly I don't want to know. However, if you were one of those unfortunate souls who got anything other than a "REBEL" you might just want to go ahead and kill yourself now. Check out what the results say below:

You are a SURVIVOR.

You grew up a part of the Hobe Sound Bible Church and College community, but you made your faith your own instead of swallowing everything you were told. You disagree with most conservative holiness theology and lifestyle requirements, but you remain friendly to the community, even though you have mostly been blacklisted. You got away as soon as possible, knowing that you would only become jaded and bitter at God if you stuck around. You've chosen to pattern your life after the example of Jesus; you believe God is pleased with a person because he/she loves Him and others unconditionally, and not because he/she follows a strict list of lifestyle standards. You see the beauty of God's creation all around in the world, considering nothing evil in and of itself. You have survived your HSBC experience relatively unscathed, and your faith has deepened profoundly after leaving.

You are a faithful HSBC-er.

You love Hobe Sound Bible College. You are the poster child for all things "conservative holiness." If you're male, you will probably pastor a tiny church somewhere in the toothless maw of Appalachia. If you're female, you'll probably be the perfect wife to such a pastor, remaining submissively in the background as expected. If you're musically inclined, you could have a career traveling from campmeeting to campmeeting crooning rousing choruses of "He Abides." You are part of the HSBC "in crowd." Your entire family attended, and you'll be married during your college years.
Play this Quiz - See Friends Results

You are an HSBC lifer.

You were born into the Hobe Sound Bible Church community, and you attend the college just because that's what's expected of you. You graduate with a degree in Missions or whatever else seems easy to you. You marry another lifer right out of college and start popping out slick-haired kiddies in polo shirts. You start your own business, knowing you have a ready-made market in fellow Hobe Sounders, and you buy or build a house just down the street from your parents. You campaign actively for the Republican party, because God wants to redeem this nation through them. You adhere to conservative holiness lifestyle standards for the most part, but a little Christian pop music and short sleeves never hurt anyone.

You are an HSBC ostrich.

Like an ostrich, you have your head buried in the Hobe Sound sands, just trying to hide from reality until Jesus raptures you from this world of sin. You will be single for the remainder of your life, probably living in one of those tiny shacks on campus. Going to the grocery store is a frightening affair, what with all that sinfulness around. Thanks to the Mark Foley scandal, you are tuned out of politics, knowing the end of the world is nigh; and you threw out all your Ray Boltz cassettes after hearing he came out of the closet. All you want is for the rapture to happen NOW. Even the faithful HSBC-ers think you're a little nutty.

You are a HSBC rebel.

You have always been a part of the church and college community, but you don't agree with conservative holiness ideology. You listen to... rock music, you go to the movie theater, and you spend church services on the back pews goofing off with fellow rebels. You've actually taken the time to read the Bible with an open mind, and realize that a lot of the theology of conservative holiness is inconsistent with what you read. Unfortunately, this is all you've ever known, so you feel trapped and disillusioned. The HSBC community will eventually ignore you, since you like to start arguments about the rules, and they cannot tolerate opposing opinions. Unless you take drastic steps to leave the community, your faith will likely stagnate, and you'll drift through life looking for some kind of meaning. It's only the fear of hell that keeps you around. But to other HSBC-ers, you might as well be the person in this picture.

If you have commented on the fact that this is funny I am not here to make you feel guilty or insult you. To each his own right? But, I wanted to be the first to say this is distasteful at the least. And honestly, I feel sorry for the person who wrote this. He/ she seem truly bitter. I hope it was meant as a joke. But even then, some jokes just leave a bitter taste in my mouth and a sour uneasy feeling in my stomach.

My walk with God has been one of personal growth. My journey has been so different than yours and yours than mind. However, when I do feel like God sheds light on something and I hope I never have the attitude of bashing you for believing different than me. Whether it is that I am more conservative or liberal. Believe in different doctrinal values or whatever the difference may be, I hope I can be your friend and not bash and make fun of you. ….especially if I am the only who is changing.

Maybe you say I am taking this "innocent fun" quiz too far. But, I just find it sad. Truly sad

Satan, if you only knew!

2009-09-08T00:29:00.004+09:00

I Want It All Back http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tQBdrwj7ko

Yes, maybe this song is a little over the top but I absolutely love it! Anytime I get discouraged I watch it and make it my prayer! Many times as Christians we live such defeated lives, and forget that God is fighting our battles and He has already overcome Satan! We have nothing to fear! For so long I have been battling with the fact that satan has taken everything away from me. He started with my husband and then went on to take all my earthly possessions. That did not satisfy him, he wanted more. So, he took all our savings. He took my health and tried to take the health of my sons. He took all my hopes and dreams away. All that I had dreamed about ever since I was young. All I ever wanted to be was a good wife and mother. I never had dreams of being a business women, I never had any desire at all to go to college and "make" something of myself. He took that all away in an instant. He took away all my hard work and plans. They were all for nothing. He took away my future as a wife as well, knowing that I will be alone. He took away a good family enviroment, one where mom and dad are present in the children's home life and in a healthy loving relationship. He took away my self confidence. My esteem. He took away my passion and love for life. He took my joy. He even took away my beliefs. I was at a point where I did not know what I believed, I was confused, broken, defeated, overwhelmed, exhausted, crushed, humiliated, betrayed without the slightest desire to even live. When I say Satan took everything away from me, I mean everything. But, the story does not end there. The holy spirit was faithful to me. He ministered to me, taught me new things, opened my eyes, gave me back my joy, gave me peace, restored my health and the health of my children, gave me a home, a car, provided for me financially where I have never wanted. He gave me confidence, he gave me acceptance, trust and fulfillment I could never have experienced had I not gone through this pervious journey. He gave me hope. He gave me courage and resiliance I never knew I could posses. He gave me a song and he gave me a story that can only bring glory to him! Satan thought he had one, but God had a bigger plan!!!! One of my favorite parts of this song says.... " Devil, if you only knew what I was gonna be after the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me!" What can I say? Once again God has defeated Satan. I want it all back! And guess what, God is giving it all back to me....and then some more!

Edited pictures from Sarah

2009-09-02T04:39:00.001+09:00

My cousin Sarah, surprised me last week when she sent me these pictures she had edited. I thought it was pretty neat and fun!

School Year 2009

2009-08-31T07:28:00.001+09:00

Family Vacation

2009-08-31T07:24:00.001+09:00

My boys

2009-07-29T12:14:00.003+09:00

I'm telling you these boys are amazing!! There is not a day that goes by that I am not completely awed and blow away by the fact that God entrusted these little men in my hands. They are by far my biggest blessing and gift from my heavenly Father. I don't deserve them...but I am so proud that they are mine!

Spanish Camp 2009

2009-07-29T12:10:00.001+09:00

Craft Camp

2009-07-29T11:59:00.002+09:00

Jaden went to a special one week "Craft Camp" this year. I know he had fun because I helped out and the kids did awesome crafts. Here are a few pictures I got of our week.

My favorite pictures from the B-day party

2009-07-28T23:14:00.001+09:00

Jaden's 6th Birthday Party!

2009-07-28T23:13:00.001+09:00

No matter what...

2009-07-11T07:24:00.001+09:00

When life overwhelmes me I feel the need to write. I have been living in such a dark place recently. I was playing with fire in so many areas of my life. I almost allowed Satan to have my soul. I almost decided to give up. Almost.....But God is bigger and he has another plan! He was faithful to me during all that happened and he still is! Ultimately though, it was my choice...not God's. God wanted me to draw close to him and trust him. He was begging me to follow him no matter what, but I was tired of trusting him only to have terrible things happen to me over and over again. I felt like I already had enough bad things happen to me in this lifetime. God knows exactly all that has taken place and I can tell you with confidence it has truly been things that most people never have to face. I simply didn't understand why my life turned out the way it has. When all I have done is serve him. If I would have gone out and sinned I would understand the punishement. We all know that there are consequences for sin. But that has not been my case. I was deceived and now my life is so different than all my dreams and hopes. All the hard work in vain. All the tears and prayers for nothing.

I became a nice shoulder for satan to sit on. He would whisper things to me constanly. "If God really loved you Jenn, he would not have allowed you to be so greatly deceived. He would not have turned his face from you all those years you cried out for him for help and had so many questions. Why did it take so long for you to find out the truth anyway? How could God see all your suffering and allow you to continue to be unaware and hurting? Now look at you....you have nothing! No home to call your own. No furnishings execpt a boys bedroom set. No money, always at the mercry of your family and friends who feel sorry for you. Your boys are hurting. They aren't in a normal situation. You are a single mom trying to raise them and you have no future. How can God ever use you now? You are a failure! Why do you keep trusting him? People need to pay for what they have done. So many people need to pay. Why are you suffering and they have all the things you don't have? They are blessed and you are not! It is never going to end Jenn!!!! Never! Look at all that has happened to you just in this last year. People say God wants to use you but is that what you want? If you keep trusting him he will keep bringing all these horrible things upon you. He will take even more away. He knows what you love and he will take all that you love away from you. All so that you can glorify him? Is that REALLY what you want? Did he ever ask your permission anyway? You know if you had a choice you would have passed on this heartache and allowed God to find another helpless person out there. Go ahead and compromise. It is just a little thing. It doesn't matter. No one believe that way anymore anyway. You are the only one. Besides, who do you think you are? No one notices you? If you change it will not affect anyone else negatively! Go ahead and have some fun! You deserve it! You need to know what the real life is all about! At least be angry at God. He is the one who has allowed this to happen to you. Ask him why! Tell him it isn't fair. Feel sorry for yourself! Be angry! Just don't trust him anymore."

This is what I would listen to. Instead of putting a stop to it I would listen. And, as you can imagine I started believing what satan was telling me. I started questioning a lot of things. I started making excuses. I wondered if I could get by with this or that. I felt like I had the right to have fun. Thankfully God was working on me too. God knew I was walking the fence and seeing how close I could get to the other side. God kept asking me one question...." Jennifer, are you going to serve me no matter what?" And, every time he would ask me this question I would ask him to have mercy on me but to ask me a little later. That I needed more time to think about what I was going to do with his question.

Looking back I am surprised that I didn't fall into blatant sin. It was more just a battle in my head. God started scraping the blinders off my eyes. All the lies I was listening to from satan he would show me the truth. I started seeing how ugly sin is. How satan is never satisfied with just a little bit of us. I have seen first hand how satan destroys lives. He makes people into someone you don't even recognize. I knew that if I gave satan just a little bit of me, before long I would wake up one day and not even recognize myself. I would be doing things I swore I would never do. I knew satan would suck out every ounce of blood he could get and then when the last drop was empty, and I was no longer of use to him, he would throw me away like an old pair of shoes.

"Jennifer, are you going to serve me no matter what?" This time I knew my answer! With all my heart I will serve you God. I will serve you no matter what! I don't understand why my life is the way it is, but it doesn't matter. I don't need to know. What I do know is that God has never let me down. He has never abandoned me. He believes in me or else he would not have allowed these trials to come because he promised us that nothing would come our way that we could not stand up under it. And what if I am one of those blessed people that God says (just like Job)..."Have you seen my daughter Jennifer? She loves me. See her suffering? She serves me. She trust me and she praises me through the good and bad!" WOW! You can't even begin to imagine how scared I feel when I think of that. I don't want to let God down. I know I have so often. I have made so many mistakes and any time I think I can live life without God's daily help I fall flat on my face.

Here I am again today. Jaden's health not looking good. I know all the negative possiblities. I also know that I serve an amazing God! One that can heal him in an instant, with just the word. Most importantly I have a peace that never leaves me even through the hardest, most difficult times of my life. I have that peace only because I chose to answer that question that God asks of each one of us. "Are you going to serve me no matter what?" And so today I want to say to you once again satan that no matter what......I choose to serve Him!!!!

I am ashamed that I ever doubted God and allowed satan to be my "shoulder friend". But, one thing I have learned in life is that we can learn from our mistakes! And so here is a little list of things I have learned. This is the list of things I was batteling with, but now they are things that are on my " I will not" list. This is a list I made for myself, so that next time satan comes and tries to be my "shoulder friend" I can point him to this list, or simply flick him off with my pinky finger! Because I serve a mighty God!

I will not compromise my beliefs and convictions because others have or because difficult situations are upon me.

I will not make excuses.

I will not flirt with sin. I will hate sin and not allow it to entice me.

I will not show Satan my weaknesses. He is my enemy. I will not give him any credit for anything.

I will not give you choices God.."if you do this for me, I will do this for you". I have no right to give you choices.

I will not be angry at you for allowing me to go through painful situations in my life.

When life changes and I am left with broken pieces, I will give you all my broken pieces knowing with you on my side I will always have a bright future.

I will not resent what I do not have. I will not feel sorry for myself. Instead I will praise you and thank you for my blessings.

When the trials, troubles and tribulations come my way and I feel overloaded and overwhelmed, I will remind myself of all the blessing and situations you have brought me thorugh victoriously.

When my faith is weak and all my strength is gone I will cry out to you for mercy.

I will continually forgive those who have hurt me and cursed me. The deeper the hurt the deeper I forgive.

I will not hold grudges or pray that people get paid back for the evil things they have done. I will trust you to be the great judge. You see everything and know everything. You see directly into our very souls. You know all our darkest motives and intentions.

I WILL SERVE YOU LORD, NO MATTER WHAT!

July 4th 2009

2009-07-07T02:27:00.004+09:00

First of all let me just say how awesome it is to be in the good ol'e USA on the 4th this year! I was so excited about it I decided to buy all of us "flag shirts". Usually the boys are the one who are patriotic but this year I couldn't resist! :-)

We spent the day at our good friends house....Pedro and Lorena. She is one of the best cooks I have ever met and so I love going over to her house and cooking with her and learning new tricks! And of course I did! Pedro grilled chicken, fajita meat, sausage and brisket. It was amazing! Not to mention all the sides. One thing that I loved was what she did with the onions. So, I will share, for those of you who like to try new things. She took a raw onion and wrapped it in foil. Then they grilled it until it was super soft. Then, she cut it in half and squeezed fresh lime juice all over it with salt and pepper. I know it is so simple but let me tell you...those onions were awesome....and addicting!

So, after we ate and stuffed ourselves I went to church to speak to the youth. We had a good service. And then of course we ate all over again. ~sigh~ While I spoke at church the boys and my parents watched fireworks and the boys played with the sparklers. I missed out on it but it's okay.....this was my 1st July 4th to ever be at church so I am not going to complain about it. ;-)

I will post more pictures of our youth on the 4th when I get the pics from my friend. In the meantime here are a few pictures I took from our weekend.

I hope you all enjoyed your 4th as much as I did! I will just end by saying once again... I am so BLESSED to be living in the USA again!

Sunday, June 28th 2009

2009-06-30T22:58:00.004+09:00

This Sunday we all wore brown and so I asked Mom to take some pictures of us.

I think they turned out adorable!

Father's Day 2009

2009-06-23T13:21:00.001+09:00

Things were so crazy at church with everything these were the only pictures I was able to take.

I love my Dad...and so do my boys!!!!!!!

Father's day preperations

2009-06-23T13:15:00.003+09:00

These pictures were taken from Saturday, before Father's day. We went calling and worked on the decorations at the church with some of the youth. It was fun!

Girls night out at TGI Fridays

2009-06-20T22:32:00.002+09:00

Every now and then this mommy gets to go on a girls night out with my girlfriends. It is greatly appreciated! Just a nice excuse to dress up, feel like a women again, and chat chat chat....of course lots of laughter too! I had a good time just recently hanging out at TGI Fridays with some friends from work. Here are a few pictures from our night out! :-)

Little Thugs

2009-06-20T22:14:00.002+09:00

I told the boys we could go swimming and so I asked them to go get their bathing suits on. They came to me looking like this. It was so funny! Just when I think they don't notice all the little details in life they show me that I am wrong. Jaden had the chain around his neck and for some reason had pulled his shirt down over his shorts. Of course the backwards hat tops it off! I got a good laugh out of it!

Heidi's wedding

2009-06-16T01:40:00.001+09:00

One of my good friends from my work just got married yesterday. I made all her wedding flowers and also did all the ladies hair. Heidi looked so beautiful and everyone else did too! It was a fantastic wedding. Heidi is so sweet. She gave all of us jewelry to wear for the wedding as a thank you. I am so happy for Heidi. It seems like she found herself a really great guy. She deserves it too!! Her first husband died in a freak accident and it is so nice to see how happy and blessed she is after such a terrible tragedy!

Month of May

2009-06-11T04:08:00.001+09:00

Celebrating Jaden and Rocco!

2009-06-11T03:56:00.001+09:00

Los Cucos Night

2009-06-11T03:48:00.002+09:00

One of my good friends, Jill, is leaving us so we decided to go out and eat together at Los Cucos. We had a good time especially with the crazy Mariachi that was there. This guy was insane! He was singing and dancing so crazy! Needless to say he spent a lot of time at our table..... :-)

Happy Easter

2009-04-20T10:08:00.000+09:00

Easter 2009

2009-04-20T10:05:00.001+09:00

Photo Shoot With Rachel

2009-03-27T13:37:00.001+09:00

We decided to go to Oklahoma for Spring Break. While we were there my friend took some pictures of us. She did such an amazing job and I don't think I have ever been happier with pictures before. I love them! Thanks so much Rachie!

Rocco's Birthday Party

2009-03-14T12:53:00.002+09:00

My Journey

2009-02-28T07:40:00.001+09:00

Why does he do this to himself? Why won't he stop the pain? I try to help but he lashes out and so I simply wait. "He will need me soon enough", I tell myself with confidence. Why does he do this to himself? Oh, why wont' he let me help. I try again, he lashes out, deeper and more hurtful this time. I don't bother to even look at the marks he's left on me. I am too focused on his own pain then seeing myself bleed. And then it comes, just as I predicted. He cries out for my help. By this time he is such a mess I don't know if I can help. I work so hard, I sweat and toil. I coddle, coo and mend. I pick up all the broken pieces and make him whole again. Day after day the same routine I am so tired and weak. Yet, still only have eyes for him. He stabs, he slashes himself and me, I cry for the both of us. I cry, I cry, I cry some more when no one is awake. I have to be strong, I tell myself or he will surely break. He must not know that I am weak. He must not see my pain. Again he does it to himself. Again I ask him why. He has no answer he can give, he simply dies a little more inside. I die with him. He is my life. I must be the good wife. Keep the secrets, never tell. Never embarrass him. Make him look good, allow myself to be the fool, it does not matter in the end. Keep pretending, keep lying to myself, if not I won't survive. I mop up blood. I say it is his but I know it is really mine. I do nothing about it. I have no time. I must take care of him. He needs me. How will he ever survive without me? He simply won't, I tell myself and so with new determination I get up again, ready to take on another day of hurt, pain and despair.

The world is moving faster, it is spinning out of control. I don't know how much longer I can do this but I must. Everyone looks up to us, everyone would be be sad. No one would ever believe me anyway. How could life be this bad? The perfect little couple. The perfect family.

Picking up the pieces, mending broken lives. Trying so desperately to save him. Failing. I no longer can strand. Crawling on my knees behind him. Hating him for the pain he does to himself, me and the family. Hating him, yet loving him. Loving him hurts. Is love suppose to hurt? So confused. Thought it would get better. Thought things would change. Losing hope.

Nothing making sense anymore. So confused. Did I imagine all of this? Am I crazy? Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Must have or he would be better, right? He should be better now. I need to try harder. I need to love more. I need to be more selfless. I need to cover up for him more, shield him from responsibility. I need to take the heat. He is too weak. He can't go on. He needs me.

He was finally honest with me. He told me why. Things make sense now. I am not crazy. I am not dreaming. This is my reality. I have been a fool. I have been so stupid. I put myself out there and got only pain in return. I allowed others to suffer. The innocent. The ones that needed me the most were abandoned because I was fixing his problems. Mending him, putting the pieces back together. Covering up. Lying to myself. The pain I have allowed them to live with I can't bear. How could I be so stupid? Why do I love him so much? Why does the pain never end. I am going to do something about it. I love my kids too much. They are innocent.

If I am doing the right thing should it hurt this badly? Why do I feel like I am abandoning him? Why do I feel like I am hurting him. Why does this feel so wrong? I know it is right. I know I must. I don't have a choice. I love. Why can't I stop loving when it is unwanted?

Mind games. I play them with myself. I will myself to be strong, to get a hold of myself and move forward but I can't. I am so scared. Will I make it? Will I survive. Who am I? Mind games I play with myself. I blame myself for everything. I see things more clearly now. How could I have allowed myself to become this person? Why did I allow these things to happen? Why did I not stick up for myself? How could I have been so blind? These questions never stop hating me. They are a never ending record that doesn't stop. They haunt me. They kill me. The scabs are pulled off layer after layer. I am bleeding now more than ever. Have I made a mistake? If this is right? Why am I bleeding so much?

"I love you Mommy. Please don't be mad at me anymore". I am shocked. How could he think such a thing! It is not his fault. Doesn't he realize this! Nothing is his fault! He looks at me and sobs. He says he wants his mommy to be happy. He begs me to be happy. I sob with him. I hold him so tight and he does not flinch. He clings to me and I cling to him. He deserves a whole Mommy. I vow that day to stop feeling sorry for myself. I vow that day to stop blaming myself. I tell my brain that the record player is going to stop. I made many mistakes, some knowingly...most unknowingly. I accept it. I will move on. If I don't think I deserve a second chance I don't care anymore. They do, the innocent ones.

I fight so hard to get better. I do what I am told. I talk, I pray, I forgive. It is so hard. Nothing in life has been harder. I do it for the ones I love. The innocent. I don't want to remember. The pain is too much to bear. They tell me to talk, to think about it..... to remember. I don't want to. I just want to sleep away my life and wake up to realize it was all a nightmare. I get a little better. I am so proud of myself. I see my little boys eyes twinkle up at me with pride. Then he calls me, he says he needs me. He needs me to pick up the pieces again. He does not know how because he never has had to do it before. I have always done it for him. I crash. I dive full stream ahead right into the trap. I pick up the pieces. I begin to mend him up again. He lashes, I bleed. He cuts, I bleed. I just keep on picking up the pieces. He needs saved and I am used to saving him. I hurt more now than ever.

I realize it was all in vain. I am back at square one. Desperation is all around me, consuming me. "Mommy please hold me. I'm scared." "Mommy, please don't cry. I just want my Mommy to be happy." "Mommy please don't be mad at me." I curse myself for hurting him. I did it all again. I fell for the trap and he knows I fell hard. I can't fool him. I can't fool those little, innocent, brown eyes. I tell him I am sorry. I ask him to forgive me. He freely forgives. I hold him close and wish away all the pain from him. Begging God to allow all the pain to hit me, not them. They are innocent.

I heard the birds chirping today. It was such an amazing thing! I heard them! I am on such a high. I know I am healing. Slowly but surely, healing. Forgiving. Accepting. Loving. Then I fall into another trap. This one much harder. This time much deeper. I want to die. I don't want to live. Why do I keep making the same mistakes? How can my mind tell me one thing but my heart tell me another? How is it possible for one person to be so conflicted? In devastation and despair I pick up those pieces. I want to mend him. One last time, I tell myself. He needs me. Then I hear a voice behind me. I feel his presence and know who he is. He asks me one question, simply one....." Jenn, are you God?" I put down the pieces one by one. It is so hard, my hands are shaking. "But he needs me God! It is my duty. I love him!" "Jenn, are you God?" I know I must let him go. I must get out of God's way. Do I trust him? Do I truly trust God? Can I let him go? It is a long battle. But, God is so patient with me. He loves me so much. Why don't I trust him with the one I love the most? He has never failed me. I finally see it. I finally let him go. I am free! I am at peace.

That is when I notice that God is picking up my pieces. He is putting me back together. The bleeding has stopped. I can't even utter a word. I am so broken. He was there all along. I just needed to let him have control. I cry from the depths of my soul. He wants to listen, he wants to hear my pain even though he has seen it all. Nothing has been hidden from him. He holds my hands in his as I pour out my soul to him. In his eyes I see no judgment. I see so much love that I must put down my head. The love is too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do with all that love. All that love for me. With all my faults, all my mistakes, all my failures. That much love for me. I finish my story. I have no more to say. He then holds me close and wipes away my tears. He then takes my chin in his hands and raises my head so that I have no choice but to look into his eyes. He tells me to trust him.

Each day getting stronger but no longer only doing it for my kids. I am now doing it for me. With God on my side, helping me all the way. It is so hard. It does not get any easier but I know nothing is impossible with God. I move forward, I stop. I fall. But, God is always there to pick me up, nudge me along and encourage me all the way.

When I think of my lost love I worry. I have let go of that control. I am not his savior. I pray he turns to the one who will save him. But worry is fear and so I put my trust in the one who can save. I do this daily.

I am so happy to hear my little ones laughter. I am even more happy, when I realize their laughter is entangled with mine!

This is the journey I am on. I make no apology for it. It is my journey, but I do not walk alone. The one who created me walks along with me, so why should I fear?

Another Change

2009-02-04T23:54:00.000+09:00

All of you that read my blogs know that Brian and I are separated and also know that I am not saying the reasons why. However, there has been a new change and we could use so much prayer right now. I write this freely because Brian has given me permission to say what I am about to say even though you will probably have many question I can't answer after reading this. Please understand that right now this is all I can say.

After I moved to the States Brian stayed in Korea for 3 months and then moved here to Texas to be close to the boys and for us to go to counseling. We have been doing that. However, Brian has made a very important and wise decision. He is moving to Kentucky to place himself in a live in center and try to focus purely on getting as much help as he can get. He will just be immersed in an environment that can help him overcome some things and find healing. He will be moving to Kentucky tomorrow and will be there for 6 month to one year, depending on when they say he is ready to leave. All of this has happened rather quickly and so our family is going through a lot of anxiety and pain with another change. Brian told the boys Monday night that he would be moving away and the boys took the news very badly. It is extremely hard to try and explain this kind of complicated matter to a 5 year old and a 2 year old. PLEASE pray that God will somehow be close to the boys during this new transition faze of life and that they don't feel abandoned. Like I said I am very proud of Brian for making this decision. I feel like for the first time in a very long time he is making the right choice. But, as you can imagine, this is very hard for Brian as well. Please pray for him as well that he will stick to the program and not back out or lose hope. Pray that he feels the love that surrounds him by so many family members and friends even though he will probably feel very lonely most days up there. When it comes to me I have one specific prayer and that is just that God gives me wisdom I don't have. I need a lot of it in raising my precious boys. Please help me pray that God will give me wisdom and understanding of my kids. I don't want to baby them because I feel sorry for them. I don't want to be too hard on them either, when maybe they just need an extra hug. I know it will be easy for me to go from one extreme to another. Another concern of mine is that both boys are so opposite in the way they think and act. They have two very different personalities. Even though they may be in the same predicament they need to be comforted differently and with that comes a lot of wisdom on my part, which I desperately need! Over all our family along with everyone else that is hurting from what has happening now needs a lot of prayer. When you think of us, please pray for the Cantrell family and the Redman family. I speak humbly when I say we could certainly use a lot of prayer!

If I could write my own eulogy

2009-02-03T08:55:00.000+09:00

I have wanted to write on this topic for quite some time now but was afraid I would scare some of my friends off. I sometimes have been accused of thinking on "strange" topics a little too much. And yes, I do realize it may seem like I am thinking of death or that I am just extremely depressed (or something like that) but I guarantee you I am not. I have just been thinking more on the purpose of life. What is life all about? Is life worth the trials that we face even when we experience such joys? More importantly, why did God make me? What is my purpose here on this earth? Am I right where he wants me to be? I still don't have answers to those questions. Especially right now when I feel like I am fighting for everything I hold dear and everything I believe in. So, why exactly am I here? Most days I feel like I am nothing more than a burden. My life seems so mundane and useless. I get up and live the same kind of day every day. I have no influence, authority, don't know or talk to that many people. I'm just a single mom trying to take care of my boys the best way I know how with the help of my parents. I'm not a doctor who saves lives. I'm not a poet or writer who impacts people with their words. I'm not an orator who goes around proclaiming words of wisdom and truth. Once again, why am I here on this earth? Is this as good as it gets?

I may not know the reasons for why God placed me here, but I trust him enough to know he created me for a reason. If I can just help impact one life positively for the kingdom of God, how rewarding that will be. But, have I? That question haunts me most nights. It scares me that I am at the age I'm at today and feel like I don't have that much to give to God if I were to die. What are people going to say about me when I die? What would my eulogy say?

After thinking long and hard on this topic I have come to the conclusion that I would want my eulogy to be completely blank. People exaggerate most times anyway!!! The most amazing thing would be one person after another standing up in front of everyone and saying, " I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jennifer Cantrell is in heaven right now." There would be nothing sadder than to know that someone left my funeral wondering if I made it to heaven or not.

And so I will continue on feeling insignificant in this quest of life that I am on right now. I have decided that my life is not measured in the value system of whether or not I become this noted person in society. Simply, I am resolved anew to keep my eyes focused on the one who created me for a specific reason. A reason I may not know or understand. My greatest desire is to leave my family and friends behind the gift of knowing I am in a better place with my heavenly Father. That no matter what Satan threw at me, or how disappointing life became, I kept my eyes focused on him. That even though Satan was out to destroy me, God sustained me. If I could write my own eulogy.........

25 things...

2009-01-21T23:16:00.000+09:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. I have lived my life with only one secret. Now I have so many secrets I don't know what to do with myself. I hate having secrets!!!!

2. Even though the school year is half over, I still get that sick feeling in my stomach every single time I drop Jaden off at school. I wonder when it will go away.....

3. I would rather have other people brag and coo over my kids than do it myself...trust me I think they are awesome. But, I vowed a long time ago not to be an "annoying mom" who thinks her kids are the only one's who exist.

4. I used to be very outgoing and tell it like it is. Basically, I said everything that popped into my little brain leaving no one clueless as to how I feel and why I feel the way I felt. Now, I see that I am quite mysterious. I don't open up to people and I keep my thoughts to myself. Life has a way of changing me that way.

5. One of my goals this year it to not be so mysterious and trust people the first time around. Right now there is only one person that I wholeheartedly trust with everything. That person is my sister and even then I feel cautious telling her everything. I hate that about myself right now!!!!! But, she has NEVER broken her promises to me...NEVER! You have no idea how much that means to me!!!!

6. I love my sister as much as my children! Honest! I love my parents the same to. If I didn't have my family I don't think I could survive life right now.

7. I have never been jealous a day in my life of my sister. Not even when people compare us and tell me to my face how much it must suck to have her as my sister since she is so skinny, beautiful, and intelligent (yes, people can be quite honest sometimes). Never once did it make me jealous of her. Never once have I wished she had some of my flaws. I think she's amazing and the only thing that really frustrates me about her is that she doesn't know how amazing she really is. ....(ugh oh, now I am going to get in trouble! :-)

8. My most genuine prayer is the prayer I pray over my boys... I ask God that if my sons don't make it to heaven when they get older to take them now while they are young and innocent. It is the hardest prayer I pray but my most genuine. That is all I want out of life...that my boys grow up to be godly men!

9. I don't look forward to the teenage years. I think I am going to be one of those moms that all the girls are scared to death of! Seriously! I know too much about what girls are like these days......

10. I have had dreams that later have turned into reality. Scary and creepy I know!!!

11. If only I would dream tonight that I won the lottery..... he he....

12. I have only ever kissed 3 boys in my life. I know shocking...ha ha... I was very picky about who I kissed. I did not want to be one of those girls who kissed all the boys. I wanted my kissing experiences to be special...and, they were.

13. I have a really hard time saying "No", especially if I am asked to do something I think I can perform well. It is especially hard for me to say no when it comes to being involved in the church. I am learning to say no though...it is freeing and satisfying to know I have choices and not to feel ashamed if I don't think I can do them at this point in time.

14. I know this sounds absolutely AWFUL but right now most people bore me. It is work to listen to their petty complaints. I guess for me many things now just seem trivial.

15. When it comes to praying for myself it is always the same... I ask God for wisdom. I feel like I posses very little of it and need so much of it. It overwhelms me!

16. I recently watched "The Twilight" and I was pleasently surprised at how romantic it was. Maybe it is just because I have a been lonely as of late...but I want to go watch it again...only this time not alone. I felt like I was 13 and quite pathetic! LOL!!!

17. I think it is funny that I just admitted all of that. Maybe I am not so mysterious after all!

18. I have wondered quite frequently what it would be like to know what other people think of me...in their deepest thoughts. I wonder and ponder if it would actually benifit me or depress me....if I am not careful I will think on this topic for a long time.

19. I don't understand how some people can hurt someone so often and so gravely. Yet, what baffles me even more is why some people allow the same person to continue to hurt them so extensively.

20. I have a lot of work ahead of me..hence, I have many goals...hence, I look forward to the future.

21. As I sit here trying to come up with something else to say I can't help but wonder if anyone will even read this besides Heather since she tagged me.

22. I have come to the conclusion that I don't care. It has been kinda fun to assess myself and think about who I really am.

23. I have a really huge decision to make and I feel like I have to make it very quickly. The only thing I wish at this point is that I knew what God wanted me to do. Then my decision would be so easy and without any kind of doubt. I know what I must do....but it is hard to actually do it. Why?

24. I still do everything right now for everyone else. I don't think I make hardly any big decisions with myself in mind. Right now I make all my decisions to benifit my children. One day, I will start making some decisions for myself. When that day comes that will be a huge milestone of accomplishment in my book.

25. I should spell check this since I am sure it is full of gramatical and spelling errors. However, I feel too lazy to spell check it since I don't see the little icon to do that at the top of my screen. Get over it...you're going to have to deal with the mistakes this time. What a sweet note to end on...huh?! :-)

Sunday Christmas program

2009-01-09T13:17:00.001+09:00

New Years Celebrating with friends

2009-01-09T13:13:00.001+09:00

Christmas Day 2008

2009-01-09T13:11:00.001+09:00

Christmas Eve @ Brian's

2009-01-09T13:08:00.001+09:00

Naughty or Nice?!

2008-12-10T13:09:00.002+09:00

Naughty or Nice? You decide!

Who Am I.. II?

2008-12-10T08:05:00.001+09:00

I have hit a new stage and feel the need to express and share where I am at today.

I just re-read "Who and I" part I. Many days I still find myself asking those same questions but I don't feel that hopelessness I once felt. Through counseling and many "meetings" (that is what I will call them for now); I have learned alot about myself. I have learned that I have more work ahead of me then I even care to think about but that I can change. I can pick myself up again and go on with life. I have learned that my life is not over, if I choose to do the work to pick up the pieces and move on. I am also learning that I should not blame others, circumstances or even myself for the state I am in. Simply accept the fact that I am where I am and now move on. Re-wire myself to think differently, act differently. It is a very hard thing to do but can be done.

I am proud to say that I am seeing my stubborn side again as well. A few month ago I felt nothing. I was numb and I turned off my feelings because when I did feel something the pain was so overpowering it took my breath away. Now, I am slowly allowing myself to feel again. It does not have to be good feelings either. If I feel angry, I allow it to come out of me and then move on. If I am feeling disappointed I do the same, happy... I feel that too. I have stopped trying to be something I am not. That has been hard for me but has been good for me also. No more pretense. I don't have to act perfect. I am not perfect, so why pretend? It takes too much energy out of me that I still don't have fully back yet. My stubborn streak is saying to me..."Jenn, you can do it! You can overcome these obstacles you have if you determine not to allow your pain and circumstances to defeat you." My stubborn streak is also telling me to believe in the things I have been brought up to believe. Stop doubting the truth that I know. The truth that God exists and he is out to work everything for my good, because I love him. That he is on my side and he has not given me more than I can bear. I also know that he is fighting my battles for me, I may not see it now but I know he is fighting on my behalf. Not only that but when I can't even pray, he prays for me....with uttering and groaning the holy spirit prays for me. If anyone knows what I need it is him. He knows everything. I don't have to tell him my story or try to explain to him how I am feeling. I don't have to....he knows. He knows what I need even when I don't. And, best of all, he knows what my boys need.

So, maybe I still can't trust all humans around me. Maybe there is still always that shimmer of doubt that I will be betrayed. That I should not trust. But, I am glad to say that I AM trusting God fully again. Bad things have happened to me. A lot of bad things, no denying that. Did he allow them to happen? Was this all part of his infinite plan for my life? Right now I really can't say and to be honest I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I know without a doubt that when God promises something, he will ALWAYS fulfill it. I TRUST HIM! I no longer feel betrayed by him. I simply trust in the things I don't understand because I have someone I can trust in, who understand everything! I praise him!

December 7th

2008-12-08T10:19:00.000+09:00

Brian's Bug

2008-11-25T23:41:00.002+09:00

Up close and personal

2008-11-25T23:36:00.003+09:00

Buzz

2008-11-25T23:28:00.002+09:00

Rocco got his first Buzz! He loves it because it looks like Daddy's and Jaden's haircut. I LOVE IT! He really looks like a little man now! :-)

Awanas

2008-11-25T23:24:00.003+09:00

Jaden and Rocco go to Awanas every Wednesday night at the place that I work at. They love it. I still need to take a picture of Rocco in his puggles shirt but I did get one of Jaden. He had to say John 3:16 in order to get this vest. He is so proud of it! Now, he will get badges to go on his vest. He is doing a great job!

Who Am I?

2008-11-15T05:06:00.001+09:00

Who Am I?

Life has a way of being so frustrating sometimes. I love to write. To some people they would consider it torture to have to write down their thoughts on paper.( Yes, I am specifically thinking of you Sissy!)

For me it is one of the biggest natural high's I get. To have a thought and just be able to sit down and start writing. Only one thought and then before you know it you have all these words and feelings expressed. It is especially wonderful when you find out that someone else can relate to you and your feelings. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I don't even know what I am going to say because I honestly don't know fully what I think. So, I will sit down and start writing only to see that I have many thoughts on topics. Many times I have looked back at my old post and wondered who it was that wrote it. It is just such a theraputic activity for me. I guess in some ways it gives me closure. For me the idea of a perfect day would be to have the house completely to myself, no disruptions, and have the opportunity to write as long as I wanted. That is better than going shopping, singing, scrapbooking...well, you get the point.

What has happened to me? How is it that so much has changed. It seems too strange to myself even to admit but I honestly don't know who I am anymore. How did that happen? When did this happen? I am so confused. I am a different person. I look at pictures of myself as a teenager and wonder to myself who that girl is. " Who is that girl?" I say to myself? " If only I could talk to her and ask her some questions?" Who is that happy, care-free girl that had such an optomistic point of view. The one that always picked herself back up when she got knocked down. The one that could express her feelings so easily (and probably too often). :-)

I am not blaming anyone either. No one made me this way. I somehow have allowed myself to become this person. This person who does not know what to think about life. What to do in life. How to be happy. How to move on and let go of things I can't control. How to trust again. How to make decisions without second guessing myself constantly. How to believe in myself. How to take the bad things that have happened in my life and grow from them. How to not keep from becoming another bitter resentful person in this world. How to let go of the injustices and not seek avengence. How to take people simply at their word value. How to start believing that I deserve good things. That I am worth something. If that 16 year old Jenn Redman could have seen herself today, she would have died inside. She would have said, "NEVER, no way!"

I don't need a councelor to sit there and ask me how I feel. Who cares how I feel. I don't even care how I feel. Good grief I am a women with more feelings than even I care to admit. My feelings and emotions range from high to low in a matter of seconds it seems. I don't want to harp on how I feel. How I hurt. Feel sorry for myself. Get sympathy. I don't even want to tell my story, it is too painful for me. I just want to know how to get myself back. Not my life back, that will take a lot of time. I just want to know how to get myself back. That person inside me that makes me me. I lost her somewhere. Is she gone forever, or is she just burried under a pile of hurt? Is there any hope for me seeing that bright, intelligent, beautiful, optimistic, fun-loving Jenn Redman again

Still decorating

2008-10-22T12:23:00.003+09:00

You know how it is when you have a themed bedroom right? You just can't stop decorating. Well, that is what I do anyway. I have added a few more things to the boys bedroom and it looks better now.

When I bought the boys their bunkbed I desperately wanted to buy the dresser as well but simply couldn't afford it. Well, thanks to Mamu and Papu Coker we now have the dresser and I love it! Sure is nice to have some more order to their clothes too! Thank you guys so much! I wanted to post some pictures.

P.S. Cindy thanks so much for telling me about the John Deere stuff at WalMart. I bought everything and was amazed that they had all they did! :-)

Guitars

2008-10-22T12:21:00.000+09:00

A little note of praise

2008-10-22T12:16:00.001+09:00

Sometimes it is just so easy for me to look at the negative in life that I forget all about the positive. I hate that too! I wish I could say I was one of those people who inherently is optimistic, but I have to work really hard at it.

Things have been rough. So hard in fact that I feel like all the negative in my life consumes me. I start forgetting that God is still blessing and taking good care of me and my boys. I went to Wal*Mart all by myself tonight and I guess because it was so quiet in the car I had a chance to just think (which lead to me feeling convicted). I know it is easy to look at the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness and judge them. It is so easy for me to see only the amazing story and glory of the miracles that took place. Always having food, the parting of the red sea and so forth but when push comes to shove I know for a fact I would have been complaining right along with the lot of them. I know that. I do it now and I don't have to wear the same outfit every day or eat the same meal three times a day. I don't have to sleep on the floor and so forth. I guess I say all that to say that I want to just give a moment to publicly thank God for all that he has done for me lately. Sure, things are still hard, but it is amazing what he has done in my life lately that I have not even asked of him.

I have been trying to find something to do with Rocco during the day since Jaden is now in school. Rocco is super active and Mom doesn't cut it. Through a new friend here I found out that there is church that has great bible classes for toddlers and so I went to volunteer to help out so that Rocco could be in a "preschool" type environment with other kids. I love being a stay-at-home mom but have learned very quickly on that Rocco and Jaden are completely opposites of each other. Jaden was content to be alone with mommy all day but Rocco wants to be with others. He is such a socialite. If I give Jaden a choice of going out on a errand with me or staying home he will choose home almost every time. Rocco just has to get out for getting out sake. I get that. Anyway, I was feeling beside myself trying to figure out what to do with my monkey. I went to the church and low and behold left with a paid job. Yep, they hired me to help teach the classes and best of all I get to be right there with my kiddo. I have been two times now and love it. It is what I enjoy doing and it doesn't feel like a job at all. I only do it two days a week which is exactly what I wanted in the first place. I was considering dishing the money out just to put Rocco in a day care system so that he would be content; but I'm so thrilled that he gets babysat for free and I get paid. Best of all he gets taught about Jesus as well. Then, on Wednesday nights I get to take both boys to the church while they get to be in an Awana program, and I watch the kids again. That is a whole different story because I was talking to a random stranger at Chick-fil-A (because I love to talk too) and she told me that I should put my boys in Boy Scouts. We got on this discussion of having very shy kids and she said when she put her kid in Boy Scouts it really helped her kid open up. I thought it was as great idea but wished in my head that Boy Scouts was in a Christian environment. Well, wouldn't you know Awana comes along all unexpected.

I know that this was not good luck or happenstance. It is God taking care of my boys and I. God knows I have slept easier at night knowing that I have a little extra money coming in. Jaden in an Awana program working on his social skills and Rocco going to what he calls his "Sunday School classes" two times a week.

It may seem like something small but God is helping me in more ways than I can even imagine. It is easy for me to see the doom and gloom of my life right now and feel angry, unloved and overwhelmed. But, I have an amazing God who has a way of proving me wrong! I thank him for that tonight.

p.s. Remember that huge answer to pray I was talking about. This is not that huge answer to prayer. Hopefully soon I will write about it too and have pictures to go along with it! :-) So stay tuned!

* GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME AND ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD*

House

2008-10-13T23:07:00.002+09:00

Congratulations Calderons

2008-10-13T22:45:00.003+09:00

My cousin Eric and best friend Stephanie just had their 5thhild. Little Emily, 4 lb.10 oz. I wanted to post these adorable pictures of her. I can't wait to actually hold her! Steph and baby are doing well and as you can tell by the pictures the siblings are enjoying the new addition to their family! Congratulations again...we love you!

Clearing the Air

2008-10-08T00:10:00.001+09:00

It has come to my attention for some time now that I have been making a mistake but I did it with good intentions. I just ask that all of you are patient with me since I really don't know what to do sometimes when it comes to "breaking the news" about the circumstances of my life right now. I don't want to hurt anyone or play the "blame game" and so through my separation with Brian I have tried to be as quiet and uninformative as I possibly could be. I said from the very beginning that I did not feel the need to tell everyone the reasons why Brian and I have separated and I still stand firm on my convictions. Please don't be offended by this. I am in no way trying to make things harder on anyone, I just can't help but think that I will be standing before God one day and I don't want to beat people down or say negative things about anyone. Especially when it is the people I love the most. So, I wrote my "Update" letter and when the rumors circled back to me that people thought that I had cheated on Brian I just sucked it up and said to myself I did not need to defend my character. That surely anyone who actually thought that did not know who and what I have been all my life. Then it was more people and more people and now I am to the point to where I think that things have gotten out of hand. I am not defending myself or casting blame on Brian.I am also not accusing him of being unfaithful to me either. I still stand firm on the fact that the reasons for our separation are personal and do not need to be announced. However, I must stand up for my Savior and I don't want his name smeared in any way. I do not want to give a false witness or make Christianity look bad. He is the one who has been so faithful to me through all of my life's journey. I am a Christian. I have tried to live my life to please God ever since I was 16 years old. I made a huge decision then and said that I would not blame God for anything bad that ever happened in my life again. I would serve him no matter what. It has not been easy at times but I want any of you who may think that I have cheated or backslidden to know that I have not, by the grace of God. If I were to die this moment and stand before God I have no fear. I have not gone against any of my convictions, standards, or morals that I have always claimed to believe. I am just saying that God knows my heart and what I have and have not done in my marriage. He knows my story and I feel his blessing and approval on my life.I have been faithful.

I thank God for always showing me areas that I need to work on. He has been so faithful in my life. And, I look forward to seeing what he has in store for our future. Brian and I both want his will!

Layers

2008-10-06T23:05:00.002+09:00

Got lots of layers. NEVER realized my hair is that curly naturally. Pretty easy but I'm still getting used to it. Sunday I blow dryed it and then curled it and it looks beautiful. I LOVED it then. But, for every day wear it sure is nice just letting it dry and not having to flat iron it or blow dry it. What can I say...I'm just kinda lazy when it comes to my hair. That and I am a mother of two young boys! Yeah, the second excuse sounds better~! :-)

Becca Visits

2008-10-04T03:17:00.002+09:00

Becca just got this fantastic new job and so she was a doll and asked for a few days off before she started so that she could come see us. She was only here for 3 days but it was wonderful to have her here. Now we all miss her even more. I only took a few pictures, just totally forgot about it. But, here are the few we did take.

Loss of Innocence

2008-10-04T03:14:00.001+09:00

Yesterday ,as I was in my car, I heard the radio man say something to this affect.... "She lost her innocence". To be perfectly honest I have no idea what they were talking about. I had just turned on the radio and when I heard that phrase, that I have heard so many other times before in my life, I just turned off the radio and thought about it. What exactly does it mean to .... "lose your innocence"?

I bet if I were to take a poll every one of you would have a different definition for it. I think it has to do with what has happened in our life. That little phrase could mean so many different things to so many different people.

To the girl who has lost her virginity unwillingly. I am sure she would associate that experience immediately when she heard the phrase" loss of innocence". For the son who realizes his Dad is not what he thought he was, for whatever reason, he might associate his loss of innocence to that. To the kid that lost his parents and had to grow up overnight and take care of his younger siblings. I could go on and on. I know what I thought of when I heard that phrase yesterday and I am positive that what went through my head would be completely different than what might be going through yours.

Does it not amaze you how much your life can change in one split second? How differently you view life. How one little innocent thing said can set you off and put you in such a state of depression. I wonder how many times I have said something (in pure innocence) that hurt someone else deeply because of what they were going through at that time in their life. I remember so well how differently my view changed once I actually had a miscarriage and lost a child. I made a vow I would not say certain "encouraging" phrases to those suffering from losing a child or not being able to conceive one. I now feel the same about someone who has gone through separation or divorce. I am not angry at anyone for things that have hurt me that have been said. I know people don't mean it in a wrong way at all. But, words and thoughts and feelings can change so much once you have actually gone through it. So, I will continue to guard my words and try my hardest not to be overly sensitive. I will also try to take every pain, every obstacle, every learning experience and try to glean from it as much as I possible can. I hope and pray that my life experiences make me wiser and not bitter.

"Loss of Innocence" such a little phrase.....infinite amount of thought!

Recent Random Pictures

2008-09-25T12:48:00.001+09:00

Boys Get Bunkbeds

2008-09-25T12:45:00.000+09:00

Sunday September 22nd

2008-09-25T12:42:00.000+09:00

Pictures from Sunday Morning.

Fabulous New Purse

2008-09-25T12:40:00.002+09:00

I saw one of these purses in red trim back in Korea and fell in love with it. When I saw it here in hot pink I had to have it. he he.... cheap thrills are sometimes worth it...or not so cheap....worth it anyway... he he

Unfrozen

2008-09-24T07:14:00.000+09:00

Today has been such a good day for me. I am not going to say much only this. What I am about to say will only make sense to a few people. Most of you will read it and be confused and may think I am a little crazy. But I am so thrilled by this small surprise that I had to praise God for it. If you don't "get it" then thank God that you don't. If you read what I say and understand fully what I am talking about then know that you are not alone and rejoice with me.

Around 2:30 today I pulled up onto our driveway and got out of the car. I was ready to close the door when I heard the birds singing and chirping. I stood there stunned and thrilled all at the same time. I HEARD THE BIRDS SINGING! It was amazing. I just stood there for a moment and let the beautiful sound ring in my ears.

For so long now I have not heard things around me. I have been living numb and frozen. In a zone all to myself. It is nice to know that I am starting to unthaw. I will not stay frozen in my state forever. Life goes on and I emprace it! :-)

Nobody told me....

2008-09-21T12:08:00.001+09:00

Nobody told me how heart wrenching sending your kid off to kindergarten would be! I was not prepared. I wish I could explain to you how it feels. For me it is impossible. It is like trying to explain and prepare someone for childbirth. How do you explain it? It is something many of us mom's will have to face but I don't think we can ever prepare for it. Just do our best to be brave and pray that God protects our children. You have no idea how many times I have thanked God for the fact that he is always there watching over my child. It has been my ONLY comfort these past few days. Don't get me wrong. I am like the proudest mommy out there, and I don't even pretend to deny it. I mean, Jaden has done amazing. I want him to learn how to live without my sheltering wings constantly fluttered over him and yet I want to be right there with him. No one can love him like I do. No one.What if the teacher doesn't' like him? What if because of his shy nature he is overlooked? What if he gets made fun of? Oh, the "what ifs" are enough to drive any human being crazy. And yet, it is all I have lived and breathed these last few weeks.

Encouraging, coaxing and pushing him to excel and learn new things. I prepare myself emotionally to give him that extra push to go out there and get things done and be brave. And yet, all the while, I am standing there with his little hand in mine as my heart breaks into a zillion pieces. His little hand is so small and fragile. He grips onto me tightly as I whisper to him how proud I am of him and what a big boy he has become. I reassure him that I am right down the street if ever he should need me. I remind him of all the fun he is going to have and all the new things he will learn. He pushes back his tears and shakes his head in acceptance of the fact that I know what I am talking about. He trust his mommy. I slowly let go of his hand and watch as he walks down the long hall with all the other little heads bobbing up and down as they march the kids into their classroom. My eyes are glued to the back of his head. I watch until I can't see him anymore and I realize my entire body is shaking. Am I doing the right thing? Is he safe? Is this what he needs in his life right now? I want to run in after him and snatch him up and never let him go. I try to listen to my brain. I slowly turn around and will myself not to throw up all over the school yard. I walk to my car completely overwhelmed and anxious. I sit in the car and wonder where time has gone. How our lives have come to this point and what our future holds.

I walk into the house and see my youngest son so excited to see me and play with me. I try to devote my attention to him as I constantly worry about my oldest. I watch the clock tick by willing the hours to hurry on so that I can see my big boy again. I get to school 30 minutes early just so that I can be the first car in line. My eyes glued to the front door as I sweat and fan myself in the hot car. Finally, the door open and I see my baby. There he is so big and tall. So handsome. His little blue backpack seems to be almost as big as he is and his race car tin lunchbox he holds firmly in his right hand. They call his name and he gets into my car. He chatters the whole ride home about all the fun stuff he learned and the stickers he received for different things he did. He is so excited to show all of us his work and I tell myself that I am going to stop being such a baby. That he is fine and this is what he needs.

Next morning. I get him ready and once again the dread comes. I put on my best
" big girl" face. The same exact haunted feelings return as I let go of his hand and watch him leave into a room I am not allowed to enter. My stomach is churning and I need to calm myself down. I hurry to my car and sit there for a long time again. Trying to choke back the acid coming up to my throat and the tears that want to run down my face.

Nobody ever told me how hard this was going to be! My big boy is growing up right in front of me and now I can't help but wonder.....when will I?

Life in Texas

2008-09-19T23:20:00.000+09:00

Update

2008-09-10T12:22:00.001+09:00

I am sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth as of late. Honestly, it has been unintentional and intentional all at the same time. I have dreaded this letter but I know it has to happen. I spoke to Brian today as well about this matter and we just don't know all the etiquette on how to do this properly so forgive me if I offend or seem too blunt.

I am just going to lay it out straight. Brian and I are separated. I am no longer living in Korea, Brian is still there. I am in Texas living with my parents. Right now Brian and I would both like all our family and friends to know that we want to make our marriage work. We love and respect each other very much. That is why I will only say this. We are separated and would covet your prayers. If you hear rumors of the reason/reasons why we are separated then rest assured this..THEY ARE RUMORS. We have not and will not tell people the reasons why. We appreciate your support at this time. Please know that this decision was not on a whim and that our little family is living in an upside down world right now. Please pray for each one of us. I know this may come as a shock to you and be upsetting so I ask your forgiveness in advance. I believe in the marriage vows I made and so does Brian. We just need a lot of prayer and wisdom during this very difficult time. Thank you!

Blank Page

2008-08-28T07:09:00.003+09:00

Living in a world right now where nothing in my life makes any sense. Hard to explain my feelings when once they were so easy to write down into words. Feeling scared about small choices along with the big. Overwhelmed would be the understatement of the year. Wishing and praying that I could have a lightning bolt strike me and tell me just what I should do with my life right now. Many days I feel so overwhelmed and yet long to know what my future looks like; only to be scared the truth of my life would be too much for me to bare. Trying to keep my head above water when I feel like everything I have worked for and believed in is being washed away right in front of me as I watch helplessly.

So many feeling going through this head of mine that I can't sleep and yet when I look at myself in the mirror all I see staring back at me is a blank page. When will I start living again?

2008-08-10T02:24:00.000+09:00

2008-08-10T01:42:00.000+09:00

2008-08-10T01:32:00.000+09:00

Girls Night Out

2008-08-04T21:58:00.003+09:00

Family

2008-07-29T21:07:00.003+09:00

We took a lot of pictures while we were in Tennessee at the Cabin. We had such a good time. Here are a few pics of us by the fireplace.

Job Opportunity

2008-07-29T20:20:00.002+09:00

Hi everyone,

While we lived in OKC I worked for Brian's boss a little by helping place foreign students into homes. Brian recently spoke to his former boss and she needs more people to help place studenst into homes while they study English here for a month or two( depending on how long they stay). Trust me this is a pretty easy job, especially if you go to big churches. Anyway, when Brian and I were first married I helped place students into homes for the extra cash and Brian and I eneded up having two Japaneze college guys live with us. We have such amazing memories from that time. We are still friends with them today. It is such a ministry. If anyone is looking for a job you can do easily from home read what Brian wrote below and if you have any questions please contact us. It pays really well too! :-)

Hello All,

I wanted to post something that might be of interest to some of you mainly because I owe this to my former boss. Some of you maybe are interested in supplemental income so here is an opportunity. I worked for an exchange program while living in Oklahoma and my former boss is looking for some region and area coordinators. It's good money and you will have fun working with high school age students from around the world. Basically, you are paid for placing students in a home and setting them up in the local school (some attend private while others go to public schools). You receive $800 per placement and after finding them a home you really don't have much to do. You call them on a monthly basis to check in with them and fill out a small report. This could be an awesome opportunity for ministry in the churches in your area. The name of the lady that is in charge of this program is Olga and she is from Macedonia. She's a great lady and works really hard. If you have some general questions, send me an e-mail at brncntrll@yahoo.com and write "Exchange Program" as the subject; otherwise, I might delete it. If you have specific questions, go ahead and contact Olga at oaceska_eci@ionet.net.

Brian

My Cousin Mary

2008-07-18T23:37:00.002+09:00

Hanging out with my cousin Mary. We had so much fun together! We ate at Chili's(so wonderful) and then went to see a movie. The best part was in the car trying to take pictures that we both approved of, mainly me. Anyway, we had fun acting crazy as usual. Love you Mary...you're beautiful!

Leora comes to visit!!!

2008-07-18T23:29:00.002+09:00

I am just so honored and thrilled that my good friend Leora drove all the way down from Arkansas to visit me. We became friends when I was in college at Hobe Sound. I have not seen her since then so basically since we have hung out it has been 7 years. Amazing how things just seem right even after all that time. I have enjoyed our time together so much. Talking, laughing, reminiscing and deep conversations. Of course shopping and movie watching are on the list too! :-) We spent all day together yesterday and as I write this she is in the other room enjoying the fact that she gets to sleep in a little without getting up early with her kids. Yep, I know that feeling!

Thanks so much for coming Leora! It means a lot to me and I am so glad I got to spend a little time with you. You're the best!

Arranged Marriage

2008-07-18T23:27:00.002+09:00

Rachel and I pretty much decided we now believe in arranged marriages! Aren't they adorable!?!

Rachel's Photography

2008-07-18T23:11:00.003+09:00

Rachel has taken some amazing pictures of Rylee and the boys while I have been here. So, I took the liberty of stealing them from her. The ones of Rachel and I just cracked me up. Neva took them and let's just say she made us laugh really hard! Great memories....great memories!!!!

New little faces

2008-07-18T22:57:00.005+09:00

Baby McKenna

Baby Rylee
Look at her happy face! Beautiful!
She is such a good baby!
I can't wait until Heather has her little girl too!
Me with McKenna again.

I just love meeting these new adorable baby girls! They are so precious! And check out the cheeks, no wonder I can't help but suck on them! These pictures were the first time I got to hold them! :-)

Rocco the Cowboy

2008-07-18T01:48:00.003+09:00

Of course little brother wanted to be a cowboy too! Good thing Jaden got more than one gun for his Birthday!

Jaden the Cowboy

2008-07-18T01:44:00.002+09:00

Since we have been in Oklahoma Jaden has been into cowboys. So, it wasn't a surprise when he wanted guns and a hat and the works. I have never let him have a gun but I think he is old enough now to play with them the right way. So, he was super happy to have such a big boy toy! He looked so adorable I had to take some pictures!!!!

Rocco's present

2008-07-18T01:38:00.002+09:00

It is tradition, Nana always gets one toy for the kid who is not having a birthday. She did is way back when Becca and I were growing up and now she is doing it with her grandsons. So, Rocco was allowed to pick out one toy too. Of course he picked out the fire fighter truck. He is so into anything to do with fire trucks! He was so thrilled. Thanks Nana.....we love your tradition!

Jaden's favorite present

2008-07-18T01:28:00.002+09:00

He was so happy!
So cute!
Bet ya can't say you've been kissed by batman!?
Ahh yeah!!!
I couldn't resist, the inner child was coming out in me!~ :-)

I took Jaden to the toy store to get a feel for what he wanted for his Birthday. He had no problem telling me what he wanted...the little stinkweed! This batman toy was what he was the most excited about. I am so glad I bought it for him because he has played with it non stop!

Happy 5th Birthday Pumpkin

2008-07-18T01:09:00.004+09:00

I'm 5

Friends
Eating Dad's famous Taco Slop
Playing Games
More Games
Having a blast with the kids myself!

The awesome cake Nana made!
Kara and Rocco( a few months apart)
My little ham!
The proud B-day boys!

Today, July 17th 2008, my baby is 5. Hard to believe time has flown by so quickly. It has especially been a strange feeling since I am here in my parents home where we introduced him to everyone for the first time. I remember so well him as a newborn, it just seemed like yesterday, literally. I am so proud of the boy he is today. He has amazing qualities that I know he did not inherit from us. God has been gracious in teaching him things and giving Brian and I wisdom on how to train him and raise him. He is such a blessing to me. I wouldn't change one thing about him. He is perfect to me! I love him more than I ever knew I could love. Most of all, I am thankful and grateful that I know my Heavenly Father loves him even more than I could ever imagine loving him. What comfort and peace that brings!Thank you God, for giving me your child. He is yours, I continue to pray that you use him for your kingdom. May his life not be in vain. Once again, I place him completely in your hands. Do with him as you please.