A revelation about myself

Have you ever had one of those times in your life when you were just sitting on a couch quiet, and all of the sudden, your eyes were opened to something you never saw before? Last night, after talking to a dear friend, that happened to me.

You know New Years always gets me to thinking of what may lie ahead. Maybe because so much has happened (in such a short time) to me already. So, it is only normal to wonder what this year may bring. But, as I was giving myself my usual "talks" that I do when I get a little discouraged and overwhelmed; I realized something that I had never realized before.

I am a completely different women. I don't think I will ever grasp how different I am. I blogged before, probably about a year ago, on how I had lost myself completely and only wanted to get that Jennifer Redman back. At that time, I thought that would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. But, I was wrong. I never want that Jennifer Redman back, although her carefree cluelessness to life was pretty cool. But, God has brought me so far. I have had to learn many lessons the hard way but man have I changed. It is literally like night and day. The way I walk, the way I think, the confidence I have...is truly amazing!

All these sayings you hear all the time that usually annoy me like, "What doesn't break you will make you stronger" are actually true. Only with the help of God though. My positive change has only happened because of Him. How am I so certain of this? For the simple fact that I didn't even realize the change until just now. When I think about where I was and where I am now, I have no idea how I got here. Obviously, someone was planning my steps out in front of me and carrying me through some very tough times.

Of course, I am still the same in many ways. Genetics are a powerful thing. One thing I have never been able to stand are conceited people. Absolutely HATE it! There is a fine line between someone who is conceited and someone who is confident. And, I am confident. I walk with my head help high, shoulders back, ready to conquer the many challenges that lie before me. Why? Because I think I am all that....absolutely not! But, because when I think of what God has brought me through, I have no fear of my future. Nothing that Satan brings my way: no trials, no hurt, no testing can destroy me as long as I keep my eyes focused on the one who created me and allowed the things that have happened to me to happen. He never makes mistakes.

I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me and always trying to make EVERYONE else happy, all the time. It was exhausting. I have come to realize that I will NEVER EVER be able to make everyone happy. God certainly opened my eyes to that. I had so many genuine and loving people give their advice to me; telling me what they thought I should do concerning difficult choices I had to make for my future and the future of my sons. However, every person seemed to have a different twist on what they felt was right for me to do. That alone was exhausting. I had to learn to take my eyes off of pleasing others and put my eyes only on the one who gave me life. That has been rewarding! I never dreamed I would come to the place where I cared more about what God thought then what my fellow human companions thought. Sad but true. Now, I don't care about pleasing others. It doesn't even cross my mind. I always want to be respectful, but if someone is upset with me for a choice that I have made they can take that up with God. That is what I tell them. If someone sends me a letter chewing me out for actions they think I have done that are wrong, I will listen, and respectfully go on my way asking God to show me my errors if I am in the wrong. If I have offended I will not hesitate to ask forgiveness and change my ways. But, it has to be because God has opened up my eyes to something.

I have a confidence in knowing that God is on the throne and answers prayers, working miracles out every day to keep me on the path I need to take in order to make it to heaven some day. I know he cares. I have learned to put all my trust in a man. Something I never thought I would be able to do again. Even though it has not been easy and honestly has been the hardest thing for me to do, I have chosen to put all my trust in God. I do not know the future He has for me and my precious sons. I do not know what heartache or what blessings are just around the corned or lie ahead of me. What I do know is that His word is true. He will not allow anything come upon me that is too difficult for me to handle. He will not fail me!

I have a confidence in knowing that I am special. The word says that God will not allow Satan to tempt us beyond what we can bare. You have no idea how many times I have said to God, "Respectfully God, I think you have me confused with someone else because this pain is so deep, this hurts so much, my faith is so weak..that I honestly don't know if I will be able to make it through." But God asks me to trust Him, and when I finally let go of the bitterness and pain, I go from on my face buried deep in the ground to proclaiming His power over my life!!!!

Satan comes and tells me I am worthless. He reminds me of how I was not good enough and how I was thrown away, unwanted. He points out all the things I have lost. He reminds me of all the sweat, tears, and prayers I prayed for something that never worked out the way I wanted it to. Something that no matter how hard I tried to fix and make work, never could. Satan laughs at me when I cry from lonely nights of longing to have what many others take for granted. Just when I feel cold, alone, and small, I feel someone wrap their warm arms around me and hold me close. I immediately know it is the one who created me. It is a love like I have never experienced before. It is a pure love, the perfect love, and the love that many times only those who are scarred deeply experience. And, as I let the tears fall unashamedly from my eyes, he tells me how much he loves me. How beautiful I am. How special I am, and how proud he is of me for doing my best. When I feel ashamed for making stupid mistakes and falling into Satan's sly traps, He forgives me and reminds me that his love is never conditional. I close my eyes and drink in his sweet presence, willing myself never to forget these special moments. My eyes are heavy, not from the worries and sorrows of life, but because I am at peace and rest. I feel so loved and safe, like a child. I wake up the next morning to feel the sun shining in on my face, the birds chirping outside my window, and before I can open my rested eyes I feel cold feet on me leg and a little arm wrapped around my neck. I look into the faces of my two sleeping boys and all the love I could ever posses inside of me is poured out onto them. And, I am reminded of how much more we are loved by our Heavenly Father. I still feel His love, and as if he is smiling down on the three of us, like a proud Father.

The day begins so sweet and fresh and then the problems start piling up all over again. Reminders of how hard life can be are ever present before me. And my heart hurts again. But as I walk out my door and into the world I live in, I realize that people are staring at me. I had not noticed before because of all that was on my mind. I wonder what it is they see and why they stare at me. Then I smile to myself because I realize they are looking at me because of who they see inside me. They see a girl who has obvious wrinkles from the stresses of life, but who is calm. Eyes that have a pain in them from a deep hurt, yet eyes that are trusting. A girl walking with confidence and yet humility. A girl who's smile actually reaches the corners of her face and who seems genuine. A girl who is very imperfect outwardly but seems content and confident in herself. A girl who has an innocence that you don't see often at her age, because of the clean and wholesome life she has lived, despite her circumstances. But mainly, a glow about her. How can this girl be the way she is? I smile back wishing I could say to them, "Yes, last night the creator of this universe saw I was in pain, and came down to where I was; comforting me, whispering words of love to me and letting me know that He cares. Last night, I had an encounter with God, and He lives within me. That glow you see, is His love!"

Today I want to thank God for making me into the lady I am today. And I hope and pray, that by me writing this down, it will help me never to forget, that God seems me through and has much more good things in store for me!