Another Change

All of you that read my blogs know that Brian and I are separated and also know that I am not saying the reasons why. However, there has been a new change and we could use so much prayer right now. I write this freely because Brian has given me permission to say what I am about to say even though you will probably have many question I can't answer after reading this. Please understand that right now this is all I can say.

After I moved to the States Brian stayed in Korea for 3 months and then moved here to Texas to be close to the boys and for us to go to counseling. We have been doing that. However, Brian has made a very important and wise decision. He is moving to Kentucky to place himself in a live in center and try to focus purely on getting as much help as he can get. He will just be immersed in an environment that can help him overcome some things and find healing. He will be moving to Kentucky tomorrow and will be there for 6 month to one year, depending on when they say he is ready to leave. All of this has happened rather quickly and so our family is going through a lot of anxiety and pain with another change. Brian told the boys Monday night that he would be moving away and the boys took the news very badly. It is extremely hard to try and explain this kind of complicated matter to a 5 year old and a 2 year old. PLEASE pray that God will somehow be close to the boys during this new transition faze of life and that they don't feel abandoned. Like I said I am very proud of Brian for making this decision. I feel like for the first time in a very long time he is making the right choice. But, as you can imagine, this is very hard for Brian as well. Please pray for him as well that he will stick to the program and not back out or lose hope. Pray that he feels the love that surrounds him by so many family members and friends even though he will probably feel very lonely most days up there. When it comes to me I have one specific prayer and that is just that God gives me wisdom I don't have. I need a lot of it in raising my precious boys. Please help me pray that God will give me wisdom and understanding of my kids. I don't want to baby them because I feel sorry for them. I don't want to be too hard on them either, when maybe they just need an extra hug. I know it will be easy for me to go from one extreme to another. Another concern of mine is that both boys are so opposite in the way they think and act. They have two very different personalities. Even though they may be in the same predicament they need to be comforted differently and with that comes a lot of wisdom on my part, which I desperately need! Over all our family along with everyone else that is hurting from what has happening now needs a lot of prayer. When you think of us, please pray for the Cantrell family and the Redman family. I speak humbly when I say we could certainly use a lot of prayer!

If I could write my own eulogy

I have wanted to write on this topic for quite some time now but was afraid I would scare some of my friends off. I sometimes have been accused of thinking on "strange" topics a little too much. And yes, I do realize it may seem like I am thinking of death or that I am just extremely depressed (or something like that) but I guarantee you I am not. I have just been thinking more on the purpose of life. What is life all about? Is life worth the trials that we face even when we experience such joys? More importantly, why did God make me? What is my purpose here on this earth? Am I right where he wants me to be? I still don't have answers to those questions. Especially right now when I feel like I am fighting for everything I hold dear and everything I believe in. So, why exactly am I here? Most days I feel like I am nothing more than a burden. My life seems so mundane and useless. I get up and live the same kind of day every day. I have no influence, authority, don't know or talk to that many people. I'm just a single mom trying to take care of my boys the best way I know how with the help of my parents. I'm not a doctor who saves lives. I'm not a poet or writer who impacts people with their words. I'm not an orator who goes around proclaiming words of wisdom and truth. Once again, why am I here on this earth? Is this as good as it gets?

I may not know the reasons for why God placed me here, but I trust him enough to know he created me for a reason. If I can just help impact one life positively for the kingdom of God, how rewarding that will be. But, have I? That question haunts me most nights. It scares me that I am at the age I'm at today and feel like I don't have that much to give to God if I were to die. What are people going to say about me when I die? What would my eulogy say?

After thinking long and hard on this topic I have come to the conclusion that I would want my eulogy to be completely blank. People exaggerate most times anyway!!! The most amazing thing would be one person after another standing up in front of everyone and saying, " I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jennifer Cantrell is in heaven right now." There would be nothing sadder than to know that someone left my funeral wondering if I made it to heaven or not.

And so I will continue on feeling insignificant in this quest of life that I am on right now. I have decided that my life is not measured in the value system of whether or not I become this noted person in society. Simply, I am resolved anew to keep my eyes focused on the one who created me for a specific reason. A reason I may not know or understand. My greatest desire is to leave my family and friends behind the gift of knowing I am in a better place with my heavenly Father. That no matter what Satan threw at me, or how disappointing life became, I kept my eyes focused on him. That even though Satan was out to destroy me, God sustained me. If I could write my own eulogy.........