Naughty or Nice? You decide!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Who Am I.. II?
I have hit a new stage and feel the need to express and share where I am at today.
I just re-read "Who and I" part I. Many days I still find myself asking those same questions but I don't feel that hopelessness I once felt. Through counseling and many "meetings" (that is what I will call them for now); I have learned alot about myself. I have learned that I have more work ahead of me then I even care to think about but that I can change. I can pick myself up again and go on with life. I have learned that my life is not over, if I choose to do the work to pick up the pieces and move on. I am also learning that I should not blame others, circumstances or even myself for the state I am in. Simply accept the fact that I am where I am and now move on. Re-wire myself to think differently, act differently. It is a very hard thing to do but can be done.
I am proud to say that I am seeing my stubborn side again as well. A few month ago I felt nothing. I was numb and I turned off my feelings because when I did feel something the pain was so overpowering it took my breath away. Now, I am slowly allowing myself to feel again. It does not have to be good feelings either. If I feel angry, I allow it to come out of me and then move on. If I am feeling disappointed I do the same, happy... I feel that too. I have stopped trying to be something I am not. That has been hard for me but has been good for me also. No more pretense. I don't have to act perfect. I am not perfect, so why pretend? It takes too much energy out of me that I still don't have fully back yet. My stubborn streak is saying to me..."Jenn, you can do it! You can overcome these obstacles you have if you determine not to allow your pain and circumstances to defeat you." My stubborn streak is also telling me to believe in the things I have been brought up to believe. Stop doubting the truth that I know. The truth that God exists and he is out to work everything for my good, because I love him. That he is on my side and he has not given me more than I can bear. I also know that he is fighting my battles for me, I may not see it now but I know he is fighting on my behalf. Not only that but when I can't even pray, he prays for me....with uttering and groaning the holy spirit prays for me. If anyone knows what I need it is him. He knows everything. I don't have to tell him my story or try to explain to him how I am feeling. I don't have to....he knows. He knows what I need even when I don't. And, best of all, he knows what my boys need.
So, maybe I still can't trust all humans around me. Maybe there is still always that shimmer of doubt that I will be betrayed. That I should not trust. But, I am glad to say that I AM trusting God fully again. Bad things have happened to me. A lot of bad things, no denying that. Did he allow them to happen? Was this all part of his infinite plan for my life? Right now I really can't say and to be honest I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I know without a doubt that when God promises something, he will ALWAYS fulfill it. I TRUST HIM! I no longer feel betrayed by him. I simply trust in the things I don't understand because I have someone I can trust in, who understand everything! I praise him!
I just re-read "Who and I" part I. Many days I still find myself asking those same questions but I don't feel that hopelessness I once felt. Through counseling and many "meetings" (that is what I will call them for now); I have learned alot about myself. I have learned that I have more work ahead of me then I even care to think about but that I can change. I can pick myself up again and go on with life. I have learned that my life is not over, if I choose to do the work to pick up the pieces and move on. I am also learning that I should not blame others, circumstances or even myself for the state I am in. Simply accept the fact that I am where I am and now move on. Re-wire myself to think differently, act differently. It is a very hard thing to do but can be done.
I am proud to say that I am seeing my stubborn side again as well. A few month ago I felt nothing. I was numb and I turned off my feelings because when I did feel something the pain was so overpowering it took my breath away. Now, I am slowly allowing myself to feel again. It does not have to be good feelings either. If I feel angry, I allow it to come out of me and then move on. If I am feeling disappointed I do the same, happy... I feel that too. I have stopped trying to be something I am not. That has been hard for me but has been good for me also. No more pretense. I don't have to act perfect. I am not perfect, so why pretend? It takes too much energy out of me that I still don't have fully back yet. My stubborn streak is saying to me..."Jenn, you can do it! You can overcome these obstacles you have if you determine not to allow your pain and circumstances to defeat you." My stubborn streak is also telling me to believe in the things I have been brought up to believe. Stop doubting the truth that I know. The truth that God exists and he is out to work everything for my good, because I love him. That he is on my side and he has not given me more than I can bear. I also know that he is fighting my battles for me, I may not see it now but I know he is fighting on my behalf. Not only that but when I can't even pray, he prays for me....with uttering and groaning the holy spirit prays for me. If anyone knows what I need it is him. He knows everything. I don't have to tell him my story or try to explain to him how I am feeling. I don't have to....he knows. He knows what I need even when I don't. And, best of all, he knows what my boys need.
So, maybe I still can't trust all humans around me. Maybe there is still always that shimmer of doubt that I will be betrayed. That I should not trust. But, I am glad to say that I AM trusting God fully again. Bad things have happened to me. A lot of bad things, no denying that. Did he allow them to happen? Was this all part of his infinite plan for my life? Right now I really can't say and to be honest I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I know without a doubt that when God promises something, he will ALWAYS fulfill it. I TRUST HIM! I no longer feel betrayed by him. I simply trust in the things I don't understand because I have someone I can trust in, who understand everything! I praise him!
Monday, December 8, 2008
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